10 Facts about…. ME
Yesterday was my birthday, a special day in most peoples eyes because you have grown a year. You’re older and wiser now, slowly getting an independent adult that will make his own decisions, pay his own bills, explore the world, make his own mistakes and learns on his own. I don’t see a birthday as a specific special day, I am a strong believer in a birthday every single day. That doesn’t mean presents every single day in the form of gifts like legos or games. No I see every day as my birthday learning something new about myself. That is a gift on its own. You might not know me or might know me for a little while now and that’s why I wanted to tell you 10 facts about me.
1. I hate the awkward feeling when introducing myself to new people. That’s why I start off by laughing away the pain in my heart like the wind blows away the trash on a beach where only perfect white sand can be found. I laugh away the trash inside me and try to be like the white sand that I am surrounded with. I stop laughing and my smile instantly disappears from my young inexperienced face. I take a deep breath strengthening my hand at the same time. I reach out to grab the others hand, knowing that my hand feels like a sweaty waterfall of fear. And I say:
Hi, I am, Daan. Faking that cool simple smile again just trying to stay cool and to not give a fuck about what they think or feel about me.
2. I am really jealous. I know I know this is a bad habit and I shouldn’t be jealous. And I ain’t jealous of people doing things without me, no I am jealous when someone makes someone smile without any effort. I am jealous when someone flirts with a girl I really liked but never had the courage to go and talk to. I am jealous when others guys get the attention of girl I want attention from. I am jealous of most people actually. But most of all I am jealous of a life that others have. I think I always can do better, more or improve on something. I can’t be perfect and I can’t do everything the way others do it at that makes me jealous of others lives. I just ain’t good enough.
3. I am an overthinker. You might have already noticed this in my stories or this specific one. I overthink too much, I think too much about how to say hi to someone. I think too much about hugging someone. I think too much about thinking too much. I think about stress too much. I think about love too much. I think about everything in my life too much. I just can’t stop thinking about things even if they are as little as a kiss on the cheek. I just always think too much and always think of the worst scenario possible. Maybe that’s why I never really had a date before, never had a kiss before, never ever had a relationship. I think too much. The moment I like a girl I start thinking. I start thinking about if she likes me. I think about the first date. I think for the first time just being with her without any friends nearby. I think of the moment I say goodbye to her, want to kiss her but never have the courage to. I just stand they’re my heartbeat raising. I say goodbye, laugh awkwardly, look her in the eyes finding her staring back at me. I get lost in those amazingly beautiful eyes. I feel awkward look away give her a quick hug that lasts 10 seconds. But in those 10 seconds, my mind goes wild. It thinks of the moment I let go. That moment I should kiss her, but then I think what if she doesn’t want to and she pulls back. Then I am a loser. Or what if I am a bad kisser and she doesn’t like it. Then she pulls back and I am a loser. Then my mind tells me that I should kiss her on the cheek, gently and kindly. But again my mind thinks what if she thinks I am too awkward to just kiss her. What if she thinks I am a weirdo kissing her on the cheek. All these thoughts rushing through your mind in just 10 seconds.
4. I am way to emotional. I want to cry, need to cry and cry a lot about the smallest of things. I cry when I watch a movie on my own. And yes in that sense I am a wimp. I just ain’t your ordinary guy who hides his emotions. Locks them away in a safe that has a fingerprint, eye scan, DNA scan, saliva scan a number code and a key that is thrown away in a floorless pit as dark as a room without lights where you can barely see your hands when you hold them close up to your eyes. I just ain’t that dude. I cry when I want to, I ain’t afraid to shot my tears and I think it is way more ‘manly’ to cry than to lock those tears away. I cry when I see two people in a movie who need to be together but never can. I cry when someone dies from a disease in a movie. I cry when others cry, and I cry when people get really mad at me. I just can’t bare people getting mad at me. I just close off and let my tears go wild.
5. I love penguins. With their cute little feet, slapping the ground making this cute sound. I love their small hairs forming a nice pelt that keeps them warm.
6. I am ignorant as fuck. I just don’t listen to people thinking they are better, more intelligent, more handsome or older than me. I am a listener and a good one I believe but I don’t listen to those not worthy to listen to. I am stubborn to people commanding me to do things without a ‘thank you’ and I hate doing things I don’t think are worthy or I don’t like.
7. I think I am a loser. Not your ordinary loser no a loser in love. I feel awkward talking to girls, I think are cute. I start to stutter when I talk to cute girls that show their smile. I get lost in thoughts when I look in a pair of eyes to deep. Oh yeah, I am a sucker for eyes. I just can’t handle good eyes. I can look at them for hours, see my world grow. It almost feels like my heart is ripped out of my chest with a pair of bear claws. I try to resist it getting ripped out but the bear is simply too strong. My heart gets taken away, lost in the forest that is called ‘eyes’. Never to be found again. Eyes make me stutter because my heart gets lost, which makes my mind think of stupid things and then I start rambling on about shit she doesn’t care about. I am a loser.
8. I want to be kind. I want to warm your heart like a fireplace does to your body. I always feel like I need to be like a warm cozy blanket to you. I never want to be rude or come across rude. I just want to be kind to everybody no matter what they did to me. But I feel like not everybody allows this, they close off when I get interested and want to help them. They feel like I am an intruder into their life. They feel like I am the bank robber to their precious problems. They just don’t allow me to carry a part of their problem for them, that’s how far I want to go. I want to help them, slowly taking over their problem and throwing it away over my back.
9. Scared of everything. I am scared of almost everything but I never show it. I don’t like going out for a drink with friends because I might puke because of having too many drinks. I hate being in a classroom because I might puke in that very same classroom. I am scared of being in with one single person in a room because I feel like I need to puke. I am scared to throw up and that means I am scared of almost every single activity. Because during every activity I could throw up.
10. I ‘mind’ my own business, literally. I think my mind is insanely fascinating. There is so much to learn about myself. How I act, the way I feel, what I want to do , what I love. All those things are stored up in my brain locked away waiting to be opened up by a key that is hidden some ware in this world. It is stories like these that help me find those keys. Find the keys that open up more memories, emotions and moments in life.
Thanks to everyone who has been part of this 19 year long journey. The people I trust most might know all of these points. The ones who don’t haven’t earned my full trust I guess or I’ve never talked about it with them.