Love hate relationship with pain.

Why pain is like a love-hate relationship for me.

We all have had pain at some point right? Whether that was physical pain or mental pain both are horrible. Some pain is less ‘painful’ than others but still, it is pain and everybody reacts to it in their own way. So we all probably have bumped our small toe into a table or a chair or something like that. It is one of the most horrible pains there is. Oh or stepping on a small piece of lego’s that horrible right? You scream or shout or whatever you do. Then take a small moment to deal with the pain and you go on.

You feel okay again and everything seems to be normal. But is it? Your body is still recovering but that’s fine. Your mind is calm again that’s normal. But there is something else that has changed. That is your mindset so there are two reactions to pain. One is the dictator role and the other is the peacekeeper role. So the dictator role is the hate full person that has a hate relationship to pain. Every time it has to deal with ‘pain’ it reacts with all the anger that’s inside him. On objects that can’t feel anything or say anything or on people that do have feelings. They scream and shout and curse and hit everything that is close to them. This way they think they can deal with the pain. But actually what you do is force the pain away with a way stronger feeling of anger and irritation. This way you build a hate relationship with pain.

Now this reaction is one that is taught to us indirectly. Because every time as a little kid you hurt yourself your mom or dad tells you it is okay and that you should stop crying. A normal reaction for a kid is to do the exact opposite and instead of staying calm they start to get angry at everything around them. Now that for sure isn’t the reaction the parents want but it is the one they create when they do this.

The other role is the peacekeeper role. A peacekeeper is someone that takes into account all the bad and the good things in order to maintain the peace. Now that’s exactly what the peacekeeper role inside you is capable of if you allow it to come in to play. So to get back to my example of the lego’s you stepped on. You still feel that pain your body is recovering from the pain, your brain is calm again but this time your mindset is in peace and thoughtful. Instead of blaming everything around you for your pain, you blame yourself and you figure out a way to make this right or to prevent it from happening. So what’s your reaction to the lego’s then? Well, you will probably stay still for a minute just to take in the pain. But then you step towards the brick, pick it up and put it where it belongs. The peacekeeper then reminds himself that pain means he is alive. Now that’s the most important one.

It is a really tough one though. One that I’ve been struggling with these couple of weeks because I’ve been sick. But instead of blaming everything around me, getting mad at everything asking myself why me why do I have to have this pain I think why do I not feel alive with this pain. You accept the pain by taking into account the good and the bad of the pain. So, on the one hand, it makes you feel alive and it makes you stronger because you endured the pain. On the other side, it made you have pain and it made you not feel good. But a peacekeeper knows that that should not overrule the good of the pain. A peacekeeper knows that his own mindset should change in order to feel less pain and to feel calm again.

So that’s what I’ve been doing these couple of weeks. Instead of having a hateful relationship with the pain I started to love it. The hate feeling is still there though, but it is less active and I don’t let it overrule the love feeling. Because of this pain, this constant pain that I’ve been having for a few days now reminds me of all the small things that are great. The things I can do, the rest I now need to take. That pain that normally would make me go insane and out of my mind now makes me stronger and more powerful. It makes me feel more alive but in a strange way. That is that love-hate relationship I’ve been talking about. I’ve not been feeling well physically but mentally I’ve been at peace with it. Feeling stronger, clouded and unfocused but stronger. That’s weird, right? How could your mind feel stronger but your body isn’t? And that is exactly why this is a love-hate relationship because I would love to have the strong physical condition at this time of the year in combination with that strong mental condition but that just isn’t possible right now. So I need to take rest, lots of rest the only thing that keeps my mind busy at this moment is my own mental health and I’ve been thinking about everything a lot more again. Writing a lot, thinking of stories and just allowing myself to be bored a little more.

That feeling of boredom has been gone for a while but and I feel it is good to have it just ones in a while. It helps me come up with new ideas and new concepts. So I might start to write little pieces of a book these next few weeks. That’s something I’ve been buzzing for, for ages and now I’ve finally come up with a concept that might work for me.

As always keep up the positive thoughts. Try to think before acting when in pain and become a peacekeeper of your own pain. It will make you feel more content, focussed, peaceful and alive.
Because Today I Lived.

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