Night release
I sit there, focussing on my breath. The air going in my nostrils, making its way to my lungs. Feeding my heart with pure, untouched air. Clean and transparent, not damaging your body. My chest rising up, making more room for my lungs to take in the air. Belly flattening and straightening out. Hold it for a second.
The clock ticks, the atmosphere of the room is present, birds outside softly singing their songs. Your feet flat on the ground, feeling that soft pressure of gravity pressing down on them. Everything is calm for a moment. Imagine that perfectly calm puddle of water, straightened without wrinkles or waves. That’s the mind at that point. I breathe out again.
My belly expanding, chest sinking, air going through my mouth. Going through those dry cracks of your lips, finding its way back into the room and outside of your lungs. Feeling that emptiness inside your body. The weight of gravity forcing you down a little bit more. Allowing yourself to sink deeper into the ground.
It hits me ones again. My mind going crazy, breathing in quickly. Not noticing the air, only feeling stressed out and breathing way to rapidly. I start to taste some weird flavor in my mouth. Almost as if it is puke, my starting to panic. All bell is ringing, red lights are waving quickly. It feels like a horror scene. I feel like I am going to puke every moment. Not wanting to, my mind starts rambling on about ‘what if’.
Trying to contain my brain, from stressing out. Trying to get my focus back on my breath, but notice I am failing so. Not being able to calm down and relax, my mind starts to ramble on and on and on. Stress out more and more, to a point where I feel like I really need to puke. Gladly I know this habit and I tell myself that it is okay. I accept my mind thinking it is in danger. I accept it not knowing how the rest of me feels.
It all happens so quickly and without any brakes. That is oke, you don’t need any brakes. Just take your foot off the gas and focus on driving safely, not bumping into things and controlling the wheel. My mind slows down, noticing that I allow it to ramble on but at the same time containing it from hitting a point where this anxiety becomes reality.
This stress, this anxiety of throwing up is something I’ve been dealing with for years now.
For years I’ve not found a way of containing it, accepting it better said. I would sit in class or on the bus having such an anxiety attack, feeling stressed out, cramped up and alone whilst there are so many people around me. I would sit there not knowing what to do, desperately trying to focus on something outside my brain that would distract my brain. Distract it from thinking about throwing up.
Meditation and focusing on my breath helped a lot. It was a moment of relaxation and clarity. But this wasn’t enough to stop it. It comes back every single week at least ones. Sometimes a lot more powerful than others, but always present. I’ve learned that trying to get rid of it is not the solution. It works like straightening out sand. If you use to much force to straighten it out there will be bumps and holes in it. But if you do it gently and slowly accepting that there will be bumps. Bumps so small that you barely even notice them. You will eventually straighten out the sand. I believe my mind works the same. I should not use a rough force of trying to push it away or control my mind. I should accept that there are bumps at the time and the only thing to get rid of them is to gently guide them outside of your sandbox.
You feel your emotions, you feel angry, happy, anxious, calm, relaxed, in love and so on. You can notice these feelings, this is really hard and an ongoing process that will never end. But learning to notice every single emotion ones they hit you is really important to understanding your mind and the people around you. If I notice the emotions in my mind and how they are triggered, I start to understand how I trigger emotions in others. Controlling and understanding the minds of others starts with controlling and understanding your own mind. That’s the first step for me in starting to understand the human brain. ‘Understanding my own brain’. A ‘night release’ is a perfect moment of noticing your own emotions and feelings.
