The businessman and the monk
Why anger is killing you from the inside
There once was a man, of about 40 years old. He lived in London with his wife and kids. Working day in day out just for them to survive. He worked in an ICT business and coded program after program for others. Every new day he would brush his teeth and wash his hair. Take a shower and did some cleaning to do his share. He never told his wife’s the problems he had. He kept feelings of anger and annoyance in just for her to be happy and fulfilled. They looked like a happy couple and they actually were. But the man didn’t feel happy himself. He loved his relationship with his wife and he loved his children very much, but once he stepped outside something happened to him.
He stepped outside and walked to the tube to get to work. The sun was barely coming up and the birds were just waking up. Some already singing there song, some still fast asleep. He reached the subway in minutes and stepped down the stairs. He went straight to the coffee shop and bought a coffee to go. On his way to his platform, a man bumped into him. It knocked over his coffee and spilled it all over himself. The man instantly got angry and grabbed the man by his arm. He shouted and screamed to make clear that he was not pleased. He wanted the man to pay him on the spot and get him a new coffee.
What this man didn’t know was that the man who bumped into him was a monk. He stood still and saw what he did. He said:
“Oh god I am so sorry, I didn’t even notice that I bumped into you I was so focussed on my breath that I forgot to check my surrounding. I will pay for all of it and for a new cup of coffee. Do you mind sitting down with me to drink the coffee?”
The man was completely flabbergasted and was thinking about why this monk asked him to grab a coffee with him. He asked the monk with a rough still angry voice:
“Why the hell should I go and sit down with a man who just bumped into me and spilled all of my coffee?”
The monk had a slight grin on his face and took a deep breath. He said in a calm and soft voice:
“That right there is the exact reason I want to sit down with you. There is anger within you that needs to be addressed. If you don’t want to that’s fine as well. Just know that I didn’t knock your coffee on purpose and that I will pay for all the expenses made.”
The businessman thought for a minute and then decided to come with the monk. They headed back to the coffee shop and this time, both grabbed a cup of coffee. They sat down on one of the bar stools, the monk facing towards the businessman whilst the businessman was completely focussed on the wall in front of him. He didn’t seem to want to talk, he just wanted to drink his coffee. The monk just sat there, slowly sipping his coffee and watching the mans behavior. The businessman noticed that the monk wasn’t changing his posture and his sight stayed fixed on the businessman. The businessman moved his head sideways and started to get angry again. The monk still didn’t say a thing. The businessman was so annoyed that he burst out into a heavy storm of words, shouting and spitting all over the monk trying to get him to stop looking.
The monk waited for the businessman to stop shouting. Once the man stopped he adjusted his posture in a more active way, leaning into the businessman. He said the following:
“Anger is a weakness only the stupid allow to come out. The strong will always speak about it but will never hold on to it.”
The monk kept going to explain what he said.
“You see, there is something in your life where you can not let out your anger and frustrations. A place where you should be comfortable to let them out but can’t. You don’t want to get mad because you know that you will say bad things. That’s a stupid mans take on anger. Let me explain that. If you are stupid you will think that you are angry and that you should react with fury and strong words. If you are wise you know that anger is an emotion and that you aren’t it. Which puts you in a position to react with empathy, compassion, and love.”
The businessman was silent and listened. He was looking confused by the monk his reaction. He noticed how his anger impacted his life. He thought of all the times he got angry at his colleagues, his wife, his friends or strangers. Why? Why did he get angry? Well, now he knows because he didn’t let out all of his anger in a correct way with the ones he loved most. The monk noticed the change of expression the mans face. He saw how he was thinking about his actions and was trying to figure them out. The monk stood up, thanking the barista for his coffee. He shook the man’s hand and gave him his money. He told him:
“I will leave now my job is done. I have sparked the healing and growth within you. Now it is your job to grow and keep growing. Don’t get angry anymore in the way of screaming and shouting. Get to know yourself and be patient with your own emotions. Allow them to be there but choose the right actions accordingly.”
The monk walked away slowly focussed on his breath again. Leaving behind the businessman with all his thoughts and questions.
There is power in anger and there is no denying that. It is a quick way to show who is boss, it is the quick way to be stronger than someone. Anger is also the weakness of a human. It kills its commons sense, it kills your thoughts and leaves you with thoughts that break relationships and hurt people as well as yourself.
I have reacted in anger towards people, towards things or actions. I have cursed when I couldn’t complete an action, I have been angry at people when they break my focus or even when they didn’t understand me. I have shouted and cursed, I have hurt people with words out of anger. Most of all I have killed my creativity, my common sense and my love with it. It has been a way to get attention quickly when I desired attention. It has been a way of letting people know that I wasn’t feeling okay. This story of the businessman and the monk is a story I made up myself. It is a way of showing you that we all have these reactions of anger. It is easy to be angry I will give you that. It feels great to be angry actually but it is toxic for your mind and body.
I have taught myself in my youth that being angry would give me attention and help. This is the reason why I find myself getting frustrated with people around me or thing about myself. I want to have attention in the sense that I want to speak about this anger to someone. The only way to let go of this anger was by getting angry and hoping someone would approach me. I was the businessman out of this story, I got angry at strangers for bumping into me. I got angry at people for not understanding me and it never was my fault. That anger has been okay for years because I didn’t seek a more peaceful mind. A few months ago I got into a relationship and soon after I found myself getting angry over small things. A totally normal thing at times, and just to be clear I never showed this anger in the way I normally would through cursing and shouting. I just got frustrated.
I did speak of these frustrations towards her, but I knew they weren’t her mistakes but mine instead. I was so desperate to find out why I got frustrated and most of all why I held on to this frustration for so long. I spend a few weeks doing research on the internet on how to control anger and how to let go of it. I tried breathing methods and did a lot of meditation. I just couldn’t find a way of letting go of this feeling of anger. It frustrated me so much that I got to the point where I got angry about getting angry. I got angry and annoyed by people just staring at me, just like the businessman did when the monk kept staring at him. I felt so awful, I started questioning if I was capable of loving someone at this point in my life. Something inside me kept telling me that this was a deeper problem, a problem that needed to be discovered before it could be fixed.
Then a few days ago I watched a documentary about Ayahuasca. This is a psychedelic used to uncover deep problem within yourself. It takes you to different realms of this world and it helps you uncover things about yourself, you probably never would have found out. After watching this documentary I sat down to meditate. I sat down to focus on one thought and one thought only. I wanted to uncover why I got frustrated so easily. A thing about Ayahuasca is that it will show you problems that were formed in your youth. With this in mind, I dug deep into my memory. Trying to uncover this habit of holding onto anger and frustration.
I sat there on the couch with nothing but this thought, I felt deep anger building up inside me.
My chest felt heavy and my throat felt closed and swollen. I kept going though, I kept digging through memories of me being angry. It felt like hours had passed when I had only sat there for 5 minutes or so. I wanted to open my eyes and give up but right at that moment, I found the memory that I was seeking for all these weeks. I saw myself sitting in my room, angry and frustrated, hitting my pillow multiple times. I was angry at my parents for forcing me to eat the last two spoons of food. My parents would send me upstairs into my room, where I would hold onto this anger for hours. Until my parents would come up and talk to me about it. Then I would let go of this anger and be the happy me again. That is exactly what I had been doing all along.
I was that little kid again, holding onto its frustration and anger just to prove his parents that he wouldn’t give up. I was that little kid teaching himself that holding on to anger would cause others to feel sorry for you and help you. I was creating a state of pettiness in which I felt okay because people would approach me and tell me they where sorry. In a grown-up world this happens a lot less, people can’t see you and if they do they will never see your anger. So you actually keep holding onto anger for nothing. Nobody will approach you and say they are sorry for you. That was a smack in the face. It made me realize that this anger I had towards people was self-made. It was attached to a memory of me holding on to my anger and getting love and sweets afterward. Only this time I was holding onto anger feeling shit about it and never getting that love or reward. I was just killing myself on the inside all along.
That meditation is exactly what something deep inside me was telling me would happen. It was the enlightenment I was seeking. A deep shadow fell of me. Now the problem still isn’t fixed, I only found the cause. I still needed to teach myself to let go of this anger. That’s the easy part though, it is reacting with love instead of anger. It is not giving is not giving into actions out of anger. Since that day I’ve been feeling amazing again, I have been starting to feel a little more like the peaceful monk. Happy in his own bubble okay with being angry at times but never allowing it to show through actions.
There is a lot of anger and hate in this world, an emotion that has been tolerated for a long time now. I want to show you that it is possible to not react with anger or hate, that it is possible to show love to those who spark anger within you. Isn’t there enough hate and anger already? Let go of it, find your cause of anger and then let go of it. Don’t blame it on others only blame yourself, for you allow anger to dominate your thoughts and actions.
Beauty is everywhere don’t forget that! There is beauty in the emotion of anger because it makes you motivated to fix things, to work hard. So use it wisely, never use it in a way to hurt others or yourself.
I wish y’all an amazing rest of your day and hope you enjoyed this weeks story. Until next week, keep searching for that beauty around you! In the meantime maybe check out my Instagram page and leave a comment on one of my posts! Would be really appreciated, don’t feel obligated though :).
