The year that insecure me is gonna leave once and for all
Exactly one year ago I was sitting in an airplane. Happy, excited and full of joy. I was doing my half-year everyday writing challenge and was keeping up so far. I was going on a 7 day trip to Spain, the place where I made so many good memories over the years. I was visiting my aunts’ house up in the mountains and was so excited to see all the local people and cool places again. In that airplane, where the air conditioning was a little too cold. Where a kid was crying in the back and my mind was going on and on about everything I wanted to see, I was writing my birthday story for that year. A story with 10 facts about me most of them happy and beautiful things. I was feeling at my very best. I could see all the beauty in the world because there was nothing but obvious beauty around me. I could see the beauty in myself because I wasn’t getting out of my comfort zone. I thought I had reached everlasting happiness at that point.
Now one year later I am sitting at my desk at home struggling. That everlasting happiness couldn’t last forever and that comfort zone has far gone. A strong feeling of discomfort in my chest has taken in the place of happiness. At times my chest feels like bursting into tears, but then my mind doesn’t want it. So it resists it. It tells me that I am not worthy of those tears and that I should do more to earn everything I have in my life. It gets angry over the little things because it can not control and take care of its own problems. It is blaming everything around him just like I did years before. There is something different this time. I am aware of this behavior, which makes it even harder but gives me the opportunity to once and for all fix it.
It feels like grabbing a piece of rope and wanting to precisely push it through a way to small hole in a needle. At first, you think you got it but then with every try, you feel like it gets harder and harder. You get frustrated and annoyed, your muscles start to tense up and you get angry and blame the small hole in the needle and the rope for being too large. You can’t seem to recognize that you can not change the rope, neither can you change the hole. You will have to accept this. Instead, you push harder and start to think you are stupid for not being able to do it. Meanwhile, you see so many people around you pushing their rope through a larger hole completing the task without any problems. That in itself makes you feel like shit as well. You want to complete the task no matter the cost and completely forget about the possibility that something might not work. You forget to take a step back and compare the rope and the hole. If you do, you will see that this just doesn’t work and you try to find different ways to complete your task. If you want to push harder to get the rope through the hole you will eventually damage the end of the rope making the rope unravel itself leaving you with a much harder task now. If you instead take a step back you will see the solution.
You will see that if you grab a bigger needle the rope will go through without any problems. You can put the tip of the rope in your mouth and make it a little wet just so the end is more compact and fits through the hole with more ease. Or you just ask someone else for help, you don’t always need to do it on your own.
That happy boy writing in the plane has changed, he is now struggling to find his way again. He is trying hard to push that rope through a small hole instead of accepting the fact that it just won’t work. He wants to do life his way. Trying to impose his will into the universal will. Not seeing that there are different ways to get the rope through the needle. He is fixated, completely focused on his way of doing things. And if he feels shit he tries to use his old methods again even though he knows they won’t work anymore. I have become real ignorant to those around me. Listening to their advice but telling myself I was doing just fine. I see people around me working on their happiness and acceptance with life and I feel like pushing harder will be the solution. Instead, I create expectations of myself that don’t aline with my real journey. Creating a lot of stress, frustration, and anger within me. I need to do shit, that’s what it all comes down to. I need to do more, and better things. I think that that hard work will grant me everlasting happiness. That’s an illusion, it is found within myself, not in the things I reached or bought. That feeling of always needing to do things is actually pushing me further away from being content with all emotions. It is not allowing myself to feel unhappy but instead push through and create fake happiness and stress. I push my real emotions down where I need to accept them and feel happy with all the ‘negative’ emotions. I want to find and work towards happiness from within. An energy that is stronger and can be found where ever in whatever circumstances.
At this moment in my life, I feel like shit. I had my life all planned out but then the universe wanted me to get out of my comfort zone. It forces me to grow and evolve. I still want to push that rope through the needle but they have both changed in size. In that process of trying to push harder, I started to get confused. I am losing myself and I am starting to take less care of my mental well being. All that mattered was reaching the end goal. Nothing else mattered to me. Now I found love in another person, something else to live for. Which means I want to balance my life a lot more. I try to balance my life with old methods. That way of living needs to evolve and grow again. It is time for new methods, new ways of living, new growth and new spiritual evolution. I am really insecure about my work and I can not yet take good care of myself emotionally and physically. That part of me is gonna leave from this day on.
Today is my birthday, my 20th birthday to be precise. I am getting closer and closer to being an independent adult who needs to take care of himself. I’ve been dealing with problems the same al throughout my life. I’ve not accepted problems but instead always fixed the surface. I fixed my behavior towards others but never fixed the behavior towards myself. I still do this. I tell people that I am open and that I always show my true emotions. I don’t and I recently noticed this. I watched myself close off emotionally whenever something was getting a little out of my control. I didn’t want to show my anger, sadness or fear. I don’t want to show the damaged parts of me to those close to me. That realization only occurred to me when I walked into a relationship. That reflection of the parts you never wanted to see is tough to acknowledge. It’s confronting and painful but necessary. That’s why I decided to change some things from now on.
Journalling, meditating and breathing exercises will hopefully help me get more mental clarity in my life. It will hopefully show me what part of my past is driving this behavior. Which trauma’s so to call need work. We are all damaged in some way and throughout our lives, we will have to heal these parts. If we don’t they will haunt us to the end of time. You can run away and deny the fact that you are damaged but that will not solve the problem. It’s like cycling with a headwind. You can push real hard and feel tired halfway through your journey or drive a little slower but complete your journey. Life doesn’t always go as planned because there will be winds that blow right into your face. Let them blow, feel the wind against your cheeks and keep going. Go a little slower but know that you will not wear down and feel lost. You are on your way to what you are meant to be, trust the process…
I’ve started journalling for the last few days and feel a lot more clear in the head. Every night I sit down for about 15 minutes and write down every thought coming up in my head. I don’t judge them I just write them down, whether they are good or bad, I don’t care. I need to get them out or else they will consume my mental energy and the energy I want to put out into the world. It has already started to change me, it has allowed me to accept the fact that there are damaged and broken parts within you and that you can fully accept these broken parts. I have come to the conclusion that I can accept the fact that I don’t always need to do something valuable. I can instead sit for half an hour doing nothing but listening to my thoughts. I want to grow and I want to evolve. Life ain’t easy but it for sure is beautiful if you can understand that growth is uncomfortable and painful at the time. This is mostly seen as negative even by myself at times but it is beautiful if you truly look for it.
I will do my best to keep you posted on this new journey. I will find a way to heal myself over and over again and feel happy with all of my emotions. I just have to take it down a notch and feel completely fine with the wind pushing against me.
Hope your doing fine and don’t forget to seek all the beauty in this world. Even in the bad.
